Have you ever felt worse after a venting session?Chances are your answer is a resounding yes. And there’s a reason for that, especially when we vent about an unpleasant interpersonal experience. Take this example - Earlier this week, I had a discovery call with a potential client for 1:1 conflict resolution coaching. She has had a rough couple of months at her job. She leads a small team of four people that are largely dedicated to a long-term, complex project. About a month ago, the team was fast approaching a significant deadline while other competing priorities continued to pop up. Without getting into the details, stress rose and tensions amongst the team flared big time. It sounds like there were some raised voices, finger pointing, and even tears. There was no conversation or assessment of what happened, the team merely just moved on the next day as if it hadn’t happened. By the time we talked, almost a month had passed since the escalation, but it still felt fresh to her. In our call, she described how she had vented (her words, not mine) to others at her company over the past few weeks about what had happened. The people she spoke with generally offered sympathy, reassurance, and sometimes shared examples of their own unpleasant experience with one or more of the people involved. During our call, she became upset and emotional about the incident, which I note only as an observation, not a judgment. Unintentionally, her venting sessions had become sparks for conflict, reigniting it for not only her, but also for others who recalled similar unpleasant experiences with the people involved. Without realizing it, she was bonding with others over her conflict. The positive outcome of bonding and reassurance kept the conflict alive without any benefit to the team involved. She had developed a feedback loop which made the conflict toxic rather than useful. We’ve all experienced this. But we can short circuit these feedback loops to harness the conflict for good. The first step is always to investigate the understory. What was the conflict really about? Without a post-mortem or any follow up, the team missed he opportunity to understand the issues between them. Instead of avoiding conflict, we confront it. When we get beneath the usual talking points, we can keep conflict healthy. We need to hear one another’s pain points, so each person feels heard. When we feel heard ourselves, then we can really listen and we can understand the real issues. It feels less emotional, less personal, and more like an opportunity to come together as a team. Deep down, we all know venting isn’t a productive response to any conflict. When we present one side to an uninvolved third party, we are avoiding conflict. We insert our narrative and our assumptions, without knowing the real understory. Asking questions and investigating the understory with the people involved is the only way we can really take advantage of the opportunity therein. Trust me, it sounds harder than it is.
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