It’s not you, it’s me

I’ve written before about the importance of giving the benefit of the doubt. I wrote about how when we know our colleagues a little bit better and have a base level of trust, we are less likely to fill in the gaps of our experiences with them with negative assumptions.

It can be easier said than done to give the benefit of the doubt, but especially with someone we don’t have that base level of trust or connection with.

Before self-employment, I was in the office every weekday, working alongside others. Sometimes, I would arrive and announce that I was cranky. I’d tell whoever stopped by my office to say hi. Did I overestimate how much people even noticed my demeanor? Probably. But I wasn’t motivated to merely share my feelings. I wanted to be clear that if anyone noticed a difference from my usual demeanor, it wasn’t about them. (If my bad mood was because of my colleagues, that’s a different story for another week.)

When I was vocal about my crankiness, I found people were more likely to make a joke or just make a nice gesture that lightened my mood, as opposed to making them tiptoe around me . Admittedly, I fell short sometimes, but I consciously tried not to.  

Most people don’t do this. Sometimes, it doesn’t matter. Sometimes, it does. I’ve born the brunt of someone else’s bad mood before, and it was usually someone higher up than I.  It has affected my ability to trust them, my willingness to work with them, and my engagement overall. Perhaps it stems from a lack of awareness, a lack of respect, a power trip, or some combination of those and other factors.

When it’s about you, own it. Say you’re in a bad mood. You don’t have to explain why. You don’t have to tell your colleague about a fight with your spouse or your sick pet. You don’t even have to explain that you’re tired because you were up late working, watching a great movie or reading a good book. If someone asks questions when you don’t want to get into it, say you don’t know. Or say “I just am”.

It’s a simple way to create less conflict and more trust. Every single action contributes to culture. We all know a more positive culture leads to more engagement, higher retention, and a better client experience.

If this resonates with you today, then start right now. Say it out loud. It’s not you – it’s me.  And then everyone in the office can head into the weekend a little lighter. Including you.

Thank you for reading!  I’m Aileen, a big believer in the good that can exist in conflict. I write for the people-centric business leaders who are willing to get a little uncomfortable (in a good way!) for the sake of their business, their team and their clients. If you have any thoughts, feedback, or ideas for future newsletters, reply to this email. I’d love to hear from you!

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