Why being a people person doesn’t matter for conflict.We tend to trust and be led by those we think of as great at dealing with people. Sounds pretty obvious, right? But being good at conflict is more than being an extrovert or a good conversationalist. It requires a willingness to get a little uncomfortable. Here's why: Conflict resolution goes beyond the good and comfortable.We trust and like the people who make us feel good. But it's a standout moment when we can still trust and like a person who challenges the stories we tell ourselves, our sense of self and otherwise tells us the things we may not want to hear. For a hard conversation to go well, there are three essential components: Focus, Positive Intentions and Curiosity. In short pay attention, ask questions, but do it from a positive place of learning, removing someone's blinders or encouraging the benefit of the doubt. I am often told that I am very easy to open up to and I recognize why. I can have trouble focusing, so I tune out distractions. I tend to skip over small talk and ask a lot of questions. Once we get on a topic, I keep asking questions. I aim to clarify context, separate assumption from fact, and uncover the other person's contribution to their situation. It's not about consciously disagreeing or debating, but to zoom out and identify the various perspectives involved. I know when to back off, but people will surprise you with their openness once it is invited. I acknowledge people's feelings, but I don't just tell them what they want to hear. Then I encourage someone to act on the insights we just uncovered. I can be gentle but also not, depending on who I am with. As a result, some of my conversations that could spur conflict have instead resulted in close connections and trusting friendships that I hold very dear. But this isn't just for me, this is something you can do too.
Start small.I certainly don't have it all figured out, but I know that this takes practice. Start with a conversation you are not emotionally involved in - one where you're a mere third party listener. From a place of curiosity and willingness to learn, ask the other person questions. Find out how they feel. Gently discern fact from fiction, the role they played, and how strong emotions may be connected to an unrelated past experience. Then prompt them to action based on what you uncover. Over time, you'll witness firsthand how people open up to you and how they benefit from feeling heard. This positive feedback prepares you well for that inevitable future conversation when you are the emotionally involved one. When you engage with someone you're in conflict with, you can strive to stay curious but also to open up, as you engage in productive two-way dialogue. Everyone can be good at conflict.So while some of us are great at dealing with people, we can all be better at conflict. Our reliance on assumptions, blame, and the hero vs villain narrative is on the way out. As we embrace fact over fiction, openness, and curiosity about ourselves and others, we lay the groundwork for productive relationships, strong connections and better outcomes for us all.
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