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The hardest part of conflict resolution.
I’m back after an extended break for the holidays. I hope you had a wonderful end to your year and a fresh start for 2023, and I’m happy you’re still here to read along. This email is the second in a 4-part series about how to identify conflict, navigate issues, uncover the issues and rebuild from unproductive incidents of conflict. Today’s article is focused on how to navigate unproductive conflict. If you missed the first one (or simply forgotten it, given the intervening month), you can read it here or you can send me a message and I will happily forward it to you.
You know by now (because I keep saying it), but I think conflict is generally a good thing. But like any good thing, it becomes less so if we ignore it, take it for granted, or if we have it in excess. What I’m going to say next may be contrary to most advice that exists about pretty much anything. When unproductive conflict emerges, we should ignore our instincts. Why? Because in this scenario, more than any other, your instincts want to keep you safe and comfortable. Our intuitive response is mostly likely shaped by emotion or our general discomfort with conflict, rather than a motivation to meaningfully address it. And that’s opposite of what we are trying to accomplish. From my own experience and from speaking with clients, checking ourselves
and pausing our response is often the hardest part. And that’s true whether or
not you’re a direct participant. When conflict happens, stay mindful of your internal reactions before they become external. When you’re a participant, the telltale signs are usually physical – quickened pulse, fast breathing, tension in the body, and so on. If you’re an observer, the physical signs are usually there but more subtle. In the moment, we can try a few things: 1. Take some deep breaths – this calms your physical and emotional responses, not to be underestimated;
2. Summarize what the person is saying back to them – this shows you’re listening and gives a response that is not actually your response, which is a good thing. This lets you clarifying the other person’s position without escalating things (though tone and body language are important here too).
3. Take a step back, mentally - Negotiation expert William Ury suggests imagining that your discussion is part of a theatre production and that you’re just watching from the audience. Or that you’re in a happy place like a Greek villa, watching a scene unfold on the street below from your balcony. Taking a step back works even after the moment has passed. When you’ve experienced a conflict, the experts recommend writing about it afterwards as if you were a stranger who witnessed it unfold in front of you. Studies of married couples who engaged in this method showed greatly increased their satisfaction with their partnership. It’s worth repeating that this is easier said than done. Which is why it takes practice. Some of that practice happens in the training or facilitation I do
with clients, especially as we work through a particular issue. I work with
clients to create a safe space to promote candid discussion of the issues. In these
sessions, the response can be more measured because people realize from the
outset that they are talking about conflict. But the takeaways benefit clients
far beyond our meeting space, as they take it home with them. Next week - how to uncover the real issue, so the same conflict doesn’t keep coming up over and over.
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