When you don’t say anything at all. In my discussions with clients, friends and acquaintances, professionalism comes up often. They’re apprehensive to potentially upset someone or, even worse, to talk about feelings, for fear of being labelled unprofessional. But when something or someone has bothered us, our feelings exist whether or not we express them. Difficult Conversations is a fascinating read from the Harvard Negotiation Project (the institute that also produced Getting to Yes). The authors note that many of us claim to have a hard time talking about our feelings, when in fact the opposite seems to be true. They write that we actually have a hard time not talking about our feelings. Particularly with negative emotions, if we let them build within us, it leads to dysfunctional behaviours and conversations. When that happens at work, we tread into unprofessional territory. It’s indisputable that outbursts, aggression, yelling, and personal attacks are unprofessional. But what about the other end of the spectrum, the less overtly dysfunctional behaviours. Has a colleague ever given you the silent treatment? The silent treatment sends a clear message that something is wrong between two or more people. Often, the silence part means only one person even knows what the issue is. Frustrating, right? No matter how comfortable you are with difficult conversations, it take two to talk. In this dynamic, tension and resentment build quickly. Those feelings spill can easily over to the broader group as they become aware of the conflict. Individual and group performance may eventually start to slide. When this happens, many people mistakenly believe that alerting others to the issue is unprofessional. They don’t want to drag others into any drama. But if this is happening to you and it starts to affect your job enjoyment or performance, it’s appropriate to tell someone. They can give advice or help you assess your role in the situation. A manager or neutral party may need to step in to start the conversation with the other person. If you’re a manager, it’s important not to dismiss the concerns of a team member who tried unsuccessfully to handle things on their own. At this point, there is usually a role for you to play for the sake of team dynamics and performance. If you give the silent treatment at work, it’s important to realize that consequences do flow from that choice. They may be big or small, but it’s important to reflect on whether short term benefits like your own comfort are worth it in the long run. The conversation of professionalism amidst team dynamics is a big one, and this is just a start. If you have any thoughts on how else our idea of professionalism can interfere with the human dynamics at work, I’d love to hear your thoughts.
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