When great expectations are not … great.So many of us avoid conflict because it’s unpleasant. But are we creating some of that unpleasantness ourselves, before the conversation even begins? I had a call earlier this week that sparked an interesting conversation about expectations and how we sometimes set ourselves up for failure. My call was with someone who has a unique perspective on conflict in the workplace – they work in a family business. Parents, uncles, siblings, cousins…there’s a whole gang of their relatives involved. It’s truly a unique dynamic. Family businesses essentially merge two separate conflict arenas, with lots of blurred lines and a heightened potential for issues at work to spill into home life. Sure, there’s lots of non-family members too, but the focus was on managing work conflict with their relatives. It got me thinking – is conflict in a family business really different from other workplaces? As a lawyer, I worked on several disputes within family businesses. Those disputes often seemed more contentious than in other types of businesses, though I couldn’t quite articulate why. After this week’s call, it struck me that it’s because people who work with family members are much more likely to address conflict with their familial colleagues. But while family businesses are less likely to have a culture of conflict avoidance, in many cases the resolutions still don’t flow freely. Why is that? From my perspective, starting the conversation is usually the hardest part. But it’s actually step 2. Step 1 is when we identify why we want to have the conversation – what resolution do we actually seek? Our expectations for the conversation influence the language, manner, and tone we use, which in turn affects the outcome. The most common responses to conflict are fight, flight, or freeze. When we start the conversation because we want to be right, we draw on our fight response. When we enter conflict with the goal of being right, we will never get a resolution.
That’s because when we want to be right, we’re arguing. We want to be agreed with. In that scenario, we usually end up doing more talking than listening, it puts the other party on the defense, and things can get worse and instead of better. In her book High Conflict (a must read), investigative journalist Amanda Ripley writes of a fourth conflict response – to get curious. Because when we get curious, we complicate the narrative. When it’s not just about being right or wrong, there’s more for us to learn about one another and about ourselves. It keeps us open to the conversation and how role in it. Ripley identifies conflict resilience as the outcome when people feel heard, even when they don’t agree. It’s a precursor to healthy, productive conflict that leads to stronger relationships and better decision making. In my call earlier this week, the person I spoke with wanted to set healthy boundaries (a good thing!) and was open to the idea that the family member involved may have experienced the incident differently. But this person also wanted an acknowledgement of the circumstances that prompted the need for this conversation. They felt hurt and rejected and sought an admission of wrongdoing and an apology. When family members are involved, we have the benefit of knowing our colleagues very well. It’s important to realize if we are dealing with a family member who struggles to talk about their emotions. In that case, we not only set ourselves up for failure when we expect a particularly worded apology, we also prioritize short term “wins” over a long-term meaningful outcome. If we remain open to some other response from them, the conversation will be more productive and positive. In a non-family business, the same is true. While we may not have known the other party for a lifetime, we should remain open to generational, cultural and experiential differences that shape their perspective and their response. If the other person responds unexpectedly, get curious. Ask questions. Learn about them and yourself in the process. Whether dealing with family or not, we need to set realistic expectations. People are wildcards. We can’t expect them to respond in the exact way we want, or even in the way we would respond in the same situation. Instead, we should approach those conversations with curiosity, and keep asking open, non-judgmental questions when we are met with the unexpected. I’ve pulled together a list of the types of questions that can keep us curious and on track for these types of conversations. If it’s something you’d like to hear more about, reply to this email and we can chat some more. I would love to keep this conversation going!
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