Leave the refereeing to sports.

I’ve said it before but it’s worth repeating – your team will inevitably have conflict. The point is not to erase or prevent it entirely, but to resolve it meaningfully and as an opportunity to strengthen your team.

This week, I had a call with someone who manages people in an unofficial capacity – it’s not in their job title and they don’t officially have any direct reports. Their organization is formed of large project teams comprised of people at all levels. This client is relatively senior. Their peers and more junior colleagues often come to them for advice about interpersonal issues that arise within their team. This client summed it up by saying they felt like a referee, a role they had never signed up for.

I get it. None of us have the time, energy or interest to wade into every conflict. We don’t want to make the call as to who is right or who is wrong, especially when things seem trivial. But it’s not as simple as telling people to ignore it. Hear them out first.  (Caveat – this discussion is about interpersonal conflict, not more serious allegations of abuse, harassment, or discrimination).

When we manage people in conflict, it is usually in everyone’s best interest to let people identify solutions for themselves. If a team member approaches us about an interpersonal issue, we don’t have to fix it. Instead, we should resist that urge and hear people out. We do that by staying curious and asking questions:

1. What happened?

2. Who was involved?

3. What challenge has it presented for the person ?

4. What outcome does the person seek?

5. How will they feel if they get that outcome?

6. What steps will they take to obtain that outcome?

7. What involvement do they want from you, if any?

Try to get through all 8 questions before offering any commentary or advice. In fact, try not to offer commentary or advice at all.

Questions 1-6 let the person be heard and identify the real issue.

Question 7 reminds them of their agency. At this point, you may want to prompt the person for more or other options, depending on their plan. If all of the options they come up with seem inappropriate (ie like they will escalate things), then you may want to offer advice at this point.

Question 8 may confirm they don’t need action from you (hooray!). If they do ask you to get involved, you can still say no. Feel free to say no where there’s no significant power imbalances, no fears of retaliation, and it’s not part of a repeated issue that keeps coming up about one person. If you say no, tie it back to question 7 and remind them of the actions they can take first. Leave the door open to your involvement down the line, should it become appropriate. If you do have to get involved, let them know you will do so before taking any steps.

Sure, there are more nuances and considerations, but it depends on the facts and we’re talking about a very generalized example here.  If you want to talk about an example from your own experience in more detail, I’m all ears. Shoot me a DM or book a no strings attached discovery call here.

Thank you for reading!  I’m Aileen, a big believer in the good that can exist in conflict. I write for the people-centric business leaders who are willing to get a little uncomfortable (in a good way!) for the sake of their business, their team and their clients. If you have any thoughts, feedback, or ideas for future newsletters, reply to this email. I’d love to hear from you!

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