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When the only way out is straight through. This email is the third in a 4-part series about how to identify conflict, navigate reactions, uncover the issues and rebuild from unproductive incidents of conflict. Today’s article is focused on how to uncover the real issues. If you missed the first two, you can read them here and here or you can send me a message and I will happily forward it to you.
Here's the thing – the only way to get to the real issues is to have a conversation. Guesses, assumptions, or jumping to conclusions are no replacement an actual conversation between the parties involved. Because only they know what is really happening and why. From the outset, the people involved may explain what the problem is, but it’s almost always more to uncover about that initial explanation. The best way to get to the understory is to have someone facilitate a discussion between the people involved. The facilitator should be neutral, with no stake in the issue. It can be a trusted colleague or an external consultant. Then the real talk and real work begins. The process might flow like this: 1. Storytelling – How did we get here. The facilitator asks the parties to tell their story. I call it a story on purpose, as it will vary from person to person. This is usually not malicious, but a result of different memories, feelings and experiences. 2. Clear the noise – The facilitator checks that they understood the story. By repeating it back, everyone hears things they may have tuned out the first time and there’s a chance to clarify what was said. 3. Stay curious –The experience of each participant matters. Refrain from offering advice, opinions or taking sides. Instead, the facilitator asks questions so the affected people do most of the talking. Open-ended questions are important here – especially those starting with what, why and how. For example – ask one person “What would happen if you got what you wanted?” And then ask another “What would it be like for you if that happened?” 4. Complicate the narrative – the facilitator should ask questions designed both to dig deep and create some shared perspective. In her book “High Conflict”, author Amanda Ripley offers a list of her favourite questions at this stage. A few examples are: What is oversimplified about this discussion?
What would it feel like if you woke up and this issue was solved?
What’s the question nobody’s asking?
Tell me more. 5. Keep the conversation going – the more everyone talks, the more layers will be peeled back. Sometimes, you’re lucky enough to see a physical display when someone has that “a-ha!” moment about themselves or someone else. Perhaps they look surprised, or heads start to nod. Maybe someone smiles and the whole group starts to do the same. This might not all happen in one session, depending on the dynamics and the issues at hand. A skilled facilitator will know when to pause, offering a short break or to reconvene at a later date. It’s not easy work, but the outcomes speak for themselves. Boosted confidence and trust, improved communication, and ripple effects into other teams and parts of life. We will talk more about that and how to rebuild in next Friday’s article. If this gives you some food for thought, please don’t hesitate to reach out. I’d love to hear from you.
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