What comes after an Apology?

When we have an upsetting experience with another person, there’s un undeniable sense of relief when the other person tells us they are sorry. Hearing “Sorry” is definitely nice. Even more so when it takes burden off of us to change, reflect or otherwise react. But is that enough?

Recently, a leader told me about an apology she can’t stop thinking about.

In a team meeting, a colleague suddenly became upset, accusing the others of poor leadership and unprofessional behaviour.

The things said made it clear that emotions and issues raised had built up over time.

The next day, this person approached everyone 1:1 to apologize and took back everything said. It’s been business as usual ever since.

But this leader was still worried and sought my advice.

They recognized that apology ≠ resolution.

People apologize for all kinds of reasons, especially at work. Usually, they’re scared of the consequences. Especially the Big One - could they get fired?

This leader knew another conversation was needed. They were ready to initiate it, but wanted some guidance.

Together, we explored three questions in advance of the conversation:

1. What actually happened?

2. What feelings were triggered?

3. What did they want to achieve?

This leader was pretty clear on first two, so we focused on the third question.

We talked through different outcomes. They were pretty upset by some of the things that were said. It triggered some desire to defend and deny, a natura reaction.

But as we talked, they identified a purpose that made sense. They want to understand (and acknowledge) their colleague’s perspective and explore their own contribution to what happened. They know there’s more to know and they want to have a learning conversation.

Once the learning talk happens, they’ll discuss how to move forward.

Accepting an apology isn’t always easy, but it’s usually easier than reflecting on our own role and digging deeper.

Reflect on an apology you received:

Did you ask the other person about their experience? Did you acknowledge your contribution? What was left unsaid, by either of you?

Thinking about it now, is it possible you took the easy way out?

Thank you for reading!  I’m Aileen, a big believer in the good that can exist in conflict. I write for the people-centric business leaders who are willing to get a little uncomfortable (in a good way!) for the sake of their business, their team and their clients. If you have any thoughts, feedback, or ideas for future newsletters, reply to this email. I’d love to hear from you!

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